Cervo

Burger reviewed: Cervo burger – house-made beef burger with tomato, bacon, caramelised onion & swiss cheese, served with fries and salad.
Venue: Cervo Cafe
Date: 8 March 2012

 The fellows ventured down to Cervo Cafe (adjacent to Crown casino) to sample the aptly named Cervo burger – a house-made beef burger with tomato, bacon, caramelised onion & Swiss cheese. At the princely sum of $21.90 (or $30 with a beer), the fellows were expecting a spectacle to rival the Superbowl half-time show, but, as Janet Jackson can attest, the spectacle doesn’t always turn out as planned. This burger was no different. It failed to deliver on the biggest of stages.

 I am not sure how many fingers the chef had in the kitchen, or how many beads may have fallen off their abacus, but it might be worth counting how many ingredients are supposed to be included in your burger before sending it out. While Jack Watts or Josh Fraser may be able to make a career out of failed promises and under-delivering, when we fellows see bacon on a menu – we expect it to be there. Fail.

Our dismay didn’t end there. The burger continued its downward spiral faster than Tiger Woods’ reputation. The bun was clearly sourced from the back shelf at Woolworths and only thrown under the griller to give it some life. The salad didn’t fair much better and was as wilted as Sam Newman’s libido. The hat-trick was complete when, to our utter amazement, the burger had no sauce. What sort of burger has no sauce? Honestly? One can only think that Cervo cafe’s budget was about as meagre as that of Paul Stoddart’s Minardi formula one team.

 The burger made the faux pas of using a skewer as a decoration – it clearly didn’t assist with the structural integrity of the burger given the burger had collapsed before reaching the table. The Italian flag atop the skewer was an interesting touch, but I’d have preferred if the kitchen had focused on cooking the pattie. The house-made beef pattie was more like meatloaf, and we all know how well that went down at last year AFL grand final.

A bit like England’s recent test series against Pakistan (0–3), it was difficult to find any positives from the Cervo burger. It is fair to say that the French fries to the Cervo burger were the Monty Panesar of the English XI. When everything else around was a shambles, like Monty, they stood out from their peers. They were crunchy, fresh and well-seasoned. Equally too, the Swiss cheese was melted perfectly on the burger but the damage was already done. Some shining lights in an otherwise bleak performance.

The burger reminded me of the infamous Sam Bowie - the number 2 pick in the 1984 NBA draft. In arguably the most colossal blunder in sporting history, Bowie went on to average 10.9 ppg and 7.5 rpg while the number 3 pick, Michael Jordan, went on to become the greatest ever. Why Portland chose Bowie over Jordan we can only speculate. Why the fellows chose Cervo cafe over Neil Perry’s Rockpool, we can only assume because Rockpool was closed...

Burger Friday Rating: 22.66/50