Grill'd Burgers

Burger reviewed: Crispy Bacon & Cheese

Venue: Grill'd burgers

Date: 5/2/2013

Today's burger adventure saw the burger lads venture all of a couple hundred metres down Southbank Boulevard to the highly regarded yet grammatically incorrect Grill'd Burgers (I believe it is pronounced grill-lud but I could be wrong).

We were greeted by a plethora of burger lackeys with rubbish tattoos and multi-coloured hair - kind of like Pink in her early days. You know, before she became a role model for young women.

What burger did we order you ask? We ordered the crispy bacon and cheese burger with a side of chips and sweet chilli mayo. The reasoning behind that decision was that bacon and cheese represents two points on our marking scale and we do not want to be unfairly prejudicial to a burger purely based on being spoilt for choice. As Buddy Franklin would say - "that's not how we roll bred". Side note, why the hell do Buddy and his mates (none of them from Hawthorn by the way) call each other bread? Are they as passionate about simple carbohydrates as we are? Anyways.

We were stung a touch over $20 for the burger, chips and a drink. A touch steep if you ask me.

We were given the table number 25. A number most made famous by it being the winning score required to win a set of volleyball and it being typically reserved for the best slugger on a baseball team - example: Barry Bonds. Such a fascinating and topical individual. Topical in that he was found guilty of using anabolic steroids in his mid-30's despite feverishly denying his guilt. The dead give away of Bonds guilt was the undeniable change in Bonds appearance. San Francisco Giants management, unwilling to enrage their petulant star with unproven allegations, instead chalked up Bonds’ new look to the muscle explosion, skull growth, testicle shrinkage, back acne, swollen feet and jaundice that all men naturally experience at age 34. Further, they explained that the increase in his shoe size from a 10.5 to a 13 could be simply attributed to a late growth spurt.

On that point - has anyone noticed any Essendon players' skulls getting any bigger? It is not like they have a team of Brett Ebert and Shaun Higgins' running around do they? If they continue their drug taking regime they might end up looking like they are off NBA Jam! Ahh what a week to write a blog!

Minutia aside, we are here to critique a burger.

The patty was obviously processed and mass produced but it was still the right size and tasty enough to be serviceable.

The bun was dry and resulted in structural integrity issues. Not to mention I walked out looking like I had just sand papered the edges of my thimble of a mouth.

The toppings were fine. Would like the bacon a little crispier. But the cheese was melted, lettuces and tomatoes seemed fresh and the double sauce application is always good.

The chips were really good. Plentiful and perfectly seasoned with salt and dried 'erbs. They were a little flaccid though. No analogy required there.

As Monday was the Super Bowl, I will use an NFL themed analogy this week. I would liken this burger to that of Cincinnati Bengals/New England Patriots/Miami Dolphins (seriously, this bloke has played at more clubs that The Delltones) wide receiver Chad Ochocinco (formerly Chad Johnson) - yet another fascinating human being from across the Pacific. Ocho's most productive receiving year was in 2006-07. Interesting fact about that year - between April 2006 and June 2007, 10 Cincinnati Bengals were arrested. During that same period, the Bengals win-loss record was 8-8, thereby accumulating more arrests than wins. Not to be out done, Ocho was lauded for his extravagant touchdown celebrations for which the NFL repeatedly fined him for - my favourite example is the touchdown celebration where he pulled out a sign which read "NFL, please do not fine me" - for which he was fined.

The Ochocinco comparison is fitting because the appearance of the people behind the counter is loud and brash. And the name Grill'd is grammatically incorrect. Chad Johnson legally changed his name to Chad "Ochocinco", the Spanish translation of his number 85, in order to raise awareness for Hispanic Month. What Chad didn't realise, is that the Spanish translation for 85 is "ochenta y cinco". I imagine that when Ocho was made aware of this he turned around to his manager and said - "where were you on that one dipshit?".

All in all, the burger is serviceable but not one you would step over your own mother just to get.

Burger Friday Rating: 33.75/50