Thursday, March 14, 2013


Burger reviewed: The “Theo”

Date: 12/3/13

Venue: Huxtaburger

Today’s burger adventure saw the Fellow’s mosey on down to Huxtaburger on Smith Street to rate a burger joint that has quite frankly been hyped up more than Joe Daniher and Jack Watts put together. But unlike Daniher and Watts, Huxtaburger actually delivered.

Immediate points were given due to the fact that this burger joint and its various burgers are named after characters on The Bill Cosby Show. We immediately ordered the “Theo” – named after Theodore Aloysius Huxtable, the middle child and only son of Cliff and Clair Huxtable. Theo’s character was played by Malcolm-Jamal Warner, who after his role of The Bill Cosby Show, directed a much acclaimed teen-oriented public health video entitled – Time Out: The truth about HIV, AIDS, and You. Useless information aside, lets review the burger.

The first thing you need to know about this burger is that it is an absolute juice box! However, the burgery goodness that ends up all over your hands and shirt (anyone remember that robust woman on Almost Footy Legends who spilled the entire pie all over her shirt?) is so pure, I do not recommend ever washing your hands again after eating this burger. Slightly unhygienic, I know, but look on the bright side – you could still get a job at Domino’s.

The patties were thick enough and tasty enough but they seemed processed and looked like the Black and Gold hamburgers that we used to have after VicHit down at the Port Campbell Swans Cricket Club (minus the Hall’s Fruita cans – seriously how good was that stuff).

The toppings played their part. The bacon was crisp; the cheese was melted and provided that savoury/nutty element; and the salads provided the burger with freshness without being too noticeable (salads in a burger should be like an AFL umpire – there to make sure that nothing gets out of control but you shouldn’t even notice him (or her – love you Chelsea) on the field).

The sauce combo of mustard and aioli complemented the burger well. A lot of the burgers on the lower end of our scale could benefit from including mustard in their burgers as it provides a zip that really brings a burger together.

The chips were crispy, plentiful and were dunked it an abundance of Heinz Big Red.

Now to the major talking point – the bun. Huxtaburger use a brioche bun that is definitely on the sugary and greasy end of the brioche scale. Some people love buns like that (myself included) and some people really do not enjoy it (usually the kind of people that dab the oil off of a pizza with a paper towel before they eat it). Whether you like this style of bun or not, the bun was slightly too small to contain the burger and structural integrity issues arose. Come to think of it, we really should do an instructional piece on burger management.  

All in all, this burger has all the talent but the processed patty meant it fell a tad short of the top burgers. Therefore, I am comparing this burger to that of Shane Watson (prepare for a rant). To be perfectly clear, I am comparing this burger to Shane Watson during his Allan Border Medal years where he was making 90 after 90 after 90 (seriously, how good was it seeing his dream shattered every time he went out? They even made a Facebook group about it).

The main reason I make the Shane Watson analogy is that while it is all well and good to parade yourself on TV ads and magazine covers (Huxtaburger recently graced the cover of Gourmet Traveller Magazine), a 90 is simply not as good as a ton. And whilst a processed patty can be above average, it is simply not as good as the flavour that comes from a handmade beef patty. If you fix this patty then the Theo gives our number 1 spot a shake.

Now for the Shane Watson of today. Shane Watson was recently sent home from India for refusing to provide his Coach with an email or text message detailing three areas of his game that he could improve on for the remainder of the series. Allow me to take the liberty of doing this for you Shane:

1.       You are susceptible to LBW’s early on in your innings because you are too slow (both on your feet and in general) – this is evidenced by your recorded skin folds that would make even Mark Cosgrove cringe.

2.       You play ridiculously attacking shots too early on in your innings and give way too many chances – even Brad Haddin would say that.

3.       Your profound lack of ticker makes opponents salivate at the mere sight of you – all you have to do is watch how slowly you chase after a ball in the outfield or how you bat when Australia is trying to save a match.

Please forward Mickey Arthur’s mobile number to me and I will happily send that through.

Score: 40/50      

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