Grill'd Burgers

Burger reviewed: Crispy Bacon & Cheese

Venue: Grill'd burgers

Date: 5/2/2013

Today's burger adventure saw the burger lads venture all of a couple hundred metres down Southbank Boulevard to the highly regarded yet grammatically incorrect Grill'd Burgers (I believe it is pronounced grill-lud but I could be wrong).

We were greeted by a plethora of burger lackeys with rubbish tattoos and multi-coloured hair - kind of like Pink in her early days. You know, before she became a role model for young women.

What burger did we order you ask? We ordered the crispy bacon and cheese burger with a side of chips and sweet chilli mayo. The reasoning behind that decision was that bacon and cheese represents two points on our marking scale and we do not want to be unfairly prejudicial to a burger purely based on being spoilt for choice. As Buddy Franklin would say - "that's not how we roll bred". Side note, why the hell do Buddy and his mates (none of them from Hawthorn by the way) call each other bread? Are they as passionate about simple carbohydrates as we are? Anyways.

We were stung a touch over $20 for the burger, chips and a drink. A touch steep if you ask me.

We were given the table number 25. A number most made famous by it being the winning score required to win a set of volleyball and it being typically reserved for the best slugger on a baseball team - example: Barry Bonds. Such a fascinating and topical individual. Topical in that he was found guilty of using anabolic steroids in his mid-30's despite feverishly denying his guilt. The dead give away of Bonds guilt was the undeniable change in Bonds appearance. San Francisco Giants management, unwilling to enrage their petulant star with unproven allegations, instead chalked up Bonds’ new look to the muscle explosion, skull growth, testicle shrinkage, back acne, swollen feet and jaundice that all men naturally experience at age 34. Further, they explained that the increase in his shoe size from a 10.5 to a 13 could be simply attributed to a late growth spurt.

On that point - has anyone noticed any Essendon players' skulls getting any bigger? It is not like they have a team of Brett Ebert and Shaun Higgins' running around do they? If they continue their drug taking regime they might end up looking like they are off NBA Jam! Ahh what a week to write a blog!

Minutia aside, we are here to critique a burger.

The patty was obviously processed and mass produced but it was still the right size and tasty enough to be serviceable.

The bun was dry and resulted in structural integrity issues. Not to mention I walked out looking like I had just sand papered the edges of my thimble of a mouth.

The toppings were fine. Would like the bacon a little crispier. But the cheese was melted, lettuces and tomatoes seemed fresh and the double sauce application is always good.

The chips were really good. Plentiful and perfectly seasoned with salt and dried 'erbs. They were a little flaccid though. No analogy required there.

As Monday was the Super Bowl, I will use an NFL themed analogy this week. I would liken this burger to that of Cincinnati Bengals/New England Patriots/Miami Dolphins (seriously, this bloke has played at more clubs that The Delltones) wide receiver Chad Ochocinco (formerly Chad Johnson) - yet another fascinating human being from across the Pacific. Ocho's most productive receiving year was in 2006-07. Interesting fact about that year - between April 2006 and June 2007, 10 Cincinnati Bengals were arrested. During that same period, the Bengals win-loss record was 8-8, thereby accumulating more arrests than wins. Not to be out done, Ocho was lauded for his extravagant touchdown celebrations for which the NFL repeatedly fined him for - my favourite example is the touchdown celebration where he pulled out a sign which read "NFL, please do not fine me" - for which he was fined.

The Ochocinco comparison is fitting because the appearance of the people behind the counter is loud and brash. And the name Grill'd is grammatically incorrect. Chad Johnson legally changed his name to Chad "Ochocinco", the Spanish translation of his number 85, in order to raise awareness for Hispanic Month. What Chad didn't realise, is that the Spanish translation for 85 is "ochenta y cinco". I imagine that when Ocho was made aware of this he turned around to his manager and said - "where were you on that one dipshit?".

All in all, the burger is serviceable but not one you would step over your own mother just to get.

Burger Friday Rating: 33.75/50  

The Merrywell Upstairs

Burger Reviewed: The Merrywell Angus Burger

Date: 1/2/2013

Venue: Merrywell Upstairs

It seems that we have been breaking a lot of new ground recently here on Burger Friday. In another Burger Friday first, today the Burger Friday Fellows went back to a venue which has already been reviewed and holds a prominent place amongst illustrious company inside the top ten Burger Friday Best Burger list – Merrywell. It should be noted however that today we dined in the upstairs restaurant big brother of the downstairs burger bar. 

Situated at the Jeff’s shed end of the glitzy lights of the Crown Casino (which somehow just attracts pensioners like mosquitos to a blue light), Merrywell is a relative new entry in the burger industry but I must say the Burger Friday Fellows are big fans of their work. Any place that centres their menu around burgers gets a doff of the hat from the Fellows every day of the week.   

Now whilst we have already been to Merrywell before, the integrity of the Fellows dictates that each burger reviewed be judged on its merits on the day, and attempts to shy away from bias and just let the burger do the talking. Having watched the boxing during the week, I like to think of the Fellows as the peoples champs, ala the Daniel ‘the Real” Geale as opposed to the Anthony ‘the mouth’ Mundine. Now while I have been a fan of Mundine in the past (because sometimes the shit he talks is genuinely funny – ie when promoting a previous fight, I quote: “there will be three hits, me hitting him, him hitting the floor and the ambulance driver hitting the accelerator),  his recent antics have seen him elevated into a new level of floggery, with company including the likes of Andy Murray and Bernard Tomic. 

So in the spirit of the Queensberry rules, the Fellows stepped into the ring today, to judge on its merits,  the signature Merrywell Angus Burger with aged cheddar, bacon, secret sauce, caramelised onions, LTO, pickles, fries. What exactly is LTO you may rightly ask? Ladies Tits Out? Unfortunately not. 

When the burger came out, I had the er no shit moment when lettuce tomato, onion, was attached to skewer on the bun exterior. That er no shit moment, or ENS for short, happens when you are oblivious (or naive) to something plainly happening right in front of your face. Kind of like when your female friend asks why all these AFL players seem to have developed acute facial muscle spasms in the offseason, only for you to explain that they are actually chewing their faces off on some special k. Or when your girlfriend asks if you think that a hot girl that has just walked past is goodlooking. ENS you think she is good looking... 

Not discounting that we reviewed the burger on its merits, being that we have already reviewed its little brother, I think it is worth drawing some comparisons to its sibling as a point of reference for our burger brethren. The Upstairs burger is certainly larger of the two (actually a proverbial beast of a burger which one Fellow failed to finish!) and comes out on a brioche style bun, which was almost buttery in texture. For me, this erred slightly on the side of pastry, in the pastry v bread spectrum, but definitively well toasted and fresh. The brioche is probably symbolic of the upstairs burgers just a little bit fancier approach. The other large difference between the burgers was that in comparison it seemed to lack some of the zing which really makes the downstairs burger great.  

Credit for the two types of onion on the burger, being caramelised onions and fresh red onion. For mine, this one two punch worked as well as Brereton, Dunstall in their heyday. Also worth noting was that the meat pattie was cooked to medium perfection. Overall though I throughly enjoyed this burger. Nice to see that Merrywell can create a burger that is quite different to its brother.

In light of the sibling rivalry, I am going to dub this burger the Shane Lee. Whilst obviously related to the its younger flashier brother Brett or in this case Merrywell downstairs, it’s just a little bit more rotund in size, slightly more polished, but with not as much zip. 

Whilst I preferred its younger brother, this burger is nothing to sneeze at. If you are in the area and have a healthy appetite, give it a crack for sure. 

 Burger Friday Rating: 38/50

Octopus Restaurant & Wine-Bar, Nai Yang Beach, Thailand

Burger Reviewed: The Cheeseburger

Venue: Octopus Restaurant & Wine-Bar, Nai Yang Beach, Thailand

Date: 30 January 2013

Today marked yet another first for the Burger Friday crew, our first international review. Yes, Burger Friday has gone global. Our destination, a somewhat secretive cove - Nai Yang Beach - about an hour tuk-tuk ride from the Phuket shopping district in Patong. With an array of beach front restaurants to choose from, we settled on the Octopus Restaurant & Winebar for no particular reason other than the shops logo (a ninja octopus) drew a stark similarity to a childhood icon - Mr Miagi. Needless to say, the view from our table was straight off a postcard with the crystal clear water, white sandy beach and a shoreline scattered with traditional Thai fishing boats (the photo doesn't do this justice). It is the ideal location save for the octogenerians wearing their Trevor Hendy inspired speedos which do nothing for the imagination; not that I wish to be ageist, but skin tight Lycra on skin that is not tight isn't the best appetiser.

Before getting into the specifics of the burger I wanted to touch on something which to date has gone undocumented in this blog - the burger reviewer psyche. I for one, try to adopt the mantra made famous in cricketing parlance of judging each individual delivery on its merits. To that end, do not let any preconceptions or, if you have been fortunate enough to have visited a venue on a previous occasion, any history influence your judgment. Treat each burger on its merits. Sure, this has its limitations but our mantra has been and continues to be to judge the burger on that day. You can absolutely draw on those past experiences when writing the blog but it shouldn't sway your rating.

Today, ashamedly, I entered a burger review expecting the worst - thinking that a burger may just be stretching the Thai culinary repertoire a little bit too far - but, to my delight, I was met with something that would hold its own against many of the burgers we have had the pleasure of reviewing. The type of embarrassment I felt is that which Jennifer Hawkins would've experienced when she infamously tripped on her dress only to give the public a snapshot of her derrière; yep, its hard to be too ashamed when the alternative is that much better.

To be fair, the description didn't do the burger any favors in ridding this preconception - grilled minced beef, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes and capsicum. There were no illusions of aged and dried wagyu rump here. I was expecting a thawed and lifeless pattie, but this was handmade, seasoned and came with a dash of chilli. It was smaller pattie than usual - think McDonalds cheeseburger (the stereotypical benchmark) and add a couple of millimeters of thickness - but was complemented perfectly by melted cheese. Although cooked to a thorough medium well, I can't fault this too much as I would hate to think of the consequences if undercooked.

Interestingly, the Octopus employed a technique which I am going to dub the Lego burger. The Lego burger is not unprecedented in Burger Friday circles, with the reputable and highly regarded Rockpool and Trunk burgers both adopting the technique, where the diner is asked to assemble the ingredients into the burger. You're given a handful of ingredients and can stack them if and as you please. In this instance, it was merely the choice of Heinz tomato sauce or Kraft barbeque sauce. I went the BBQ and while it lacked the authenticity of homemade sauce or relish, it did ensure that my burger was adequately sauced. I'm not sure if this trend towards the Lego burger is the sophistication of the humble burger or mere laziness on the chef's part, but given the burger arrived on a table quicker than an Anthony Mundine racist slur after a deserved loss I may just put this one down to efficiency.

The concept of the Lego burger is the perfect segue into a term which is thrown around rather loosely in the Burger Friday vernacular - the "X-Factor" - something which many burgers have fallen down for in the past. In its simplest form the X-Factor is what makes the burger unique and the Octopus burger certainly has that. It gave us not one, but three shades of capsicum: red, yellow and green. Surprisingly, this gave the burger a crunchy texture and something that we may see take off in the land girt by sea.

I am sad to report however that beer battered chips have yet to reach the shores of Siam (the former name of Thailand - jot that down for your next Herald Sun quiz). Apparently salt on your chips is also a western phenomenon; fortunately, there was some Heinz tomato sauce to save the day. An easy fix really - a bit of seasoning and I'd be happy to spare a few milliliters out of 640ml Chang to baste them in.

Another nonchalant aspect of this burger was the bun. It was not so much that it did anything particularly wrong, it was toasted, reasonably fresh (perhaps this was masked by the toasting) and also had a sprinkle of sesame seeds. However, given the push towards more exotic types of buns, it was a bit like getting a good footy sticker only for your mate to be parading his most recent shiny club logo - as an aside, 3 plain for a logo was always the going rate in my day. Back to the bun, it was good but there is better out there.

In naming this burger, it would be remiss of me not to liken it to one of Thailand's greatest athletes - Paradon Srichaphan. While Paradon was never able to triumph on the world stage (never getting past the fourth round of a major), his career high ITP ranking of #9 suggests that he was a more than serviceable player. Similarly, this burger is not going to be memorable on a world stage but it was a serviceable companion to the ice-cold Chang. More to the point, both the burger and Paradon are accompanied by arguably the best backdrop the Burger Friday crew has seen - Paradon is now married to Miss World 2005 Natalie Glebova (you can add that to your showbag of useless knowledge) and, equally, you'll struggle to find many more picturesque beaches than Nai Yang.

At 280 baht (roughly AUD9.5, or perhaps it is more appropriate to now adopt the global currency - USD10), you will be hard-pressed to find better value. A burger, fries and pint of Chang for under 10 bucks - not to mention the view. Winning at life.

Jus Burgers

Burger Reviewed: The Pommy Burger

Venue: Jus Burgers

Date: 25/1/2013

Today's burger adventure saw the Fellows make their way down to Jus burgers, a Western Australian institution, for an absolute ball-tearer of a burger.

We made our way down to Chapel street and were greeted by a Grill'd style venue, complete with graffiti on the walls, tattooed waiters and waitresses (although I believe the word waitress is no longer gender equal - I think this was designed to eliminate the awkwardness if Caster Semenya ever became a waiter/waitress) and modern hip-hop beats. Word!

We ordered the "Pommy" burger and one expected an English cricketer to come wedged between a brioche. But then I remembered, no one in the English cricket team is actually English. Seriously, what were they thinking giving Ravi Bopara a passport? He is the only batsmen to ever be outsmarted by a Mitchell Johnson slower ball. But that is off topic.

The table number we were given was easily the most unique we have had so far - it was a toy dinosaur with a number drawn on it with a permo.

So I thought I would do something slightly different for this blog and issue a viewers poll.

So, on the count of three, name your favourite Dinosaur. Don't even think about it. Just name it. Ready?  One, two, three - Velociraptor!

Admittedly, Palaeontology is just a hobby of mine and it has been a long time since I watched Power Rangers so I am not sure what type of dinosaur it is in the photo. Diplodocus?

Anyway I should probably describe the burger before I go and wail on some pumpkins in the garage.

The patty was clearly hand made. It was an excellent size in proportion to the toppings and the bun and it was really juicy and cooked well. You can always tell a hand-made patty from the way the meat fibres coagulate into smaller delicious lumps of meaty goodness as compared to a processed patty which has no discernible meat fibres. Just some advice from the experts. I am wearing a cravat if that makes me any more trustworthy.

The bun was a perfect fit. Fluffy, light and slightly toasted. There were some minor structural integrity issues but good burger management skills should see you through without a problem. Think Mark Ricciuto's shorts - yeah you might get the odd cheeky nut but they are there to support the bigger picture.

The toppings were good as well. The cheese was melted on top of the patty whilst it was being cooked and the bacon was crispy and provided that charred Flavor Flav. We could not ask for more there.

My one gripe is that I did not notice the sauce as much as I wanted but the burger was not at all dry.

The main job of the sauce is to provide some pizazz to the burger. Whilst we got some tang out of the burger, it just lacked that tiny bit extra to take it to the next level. And I don't think butter will do anything George Colombaris.

This burger is an easy fix - add a pickle for some tang, and include it in a meal deal with a beer and all of a sudden you are looking at burger nirvana!

The sportsperson I would most liken this burger to is that of Buddy Franklin. A Western Australian turned Victorian, with some graffiti on his walls and has all the makings of something special. But with just a few minor tweaks, namely to his goal kicking, he will be right up there with the greats.

Definitely get there if you are in Chapel Street. You will not be disappointed.

Burger Friday Rating: 40/50