Uncle Joe's (Perth)

Today’s burger adventure saw a rag tag crew of burger lovers venture down to Uncle Joe’s Mess Hall in Perth’s CBD. Uncle Joe’s also doubles as a barber and is responsible for some of the freshest (and most expensive) salads that Perth has ever seen (the irony of this is explained below). The burger of choice was Uncle Joe’s Angus Beef Burger.

(not our photo - hence, the chips)

The patty was a bit like Steph Curry in the NBA Finals – it had all the talent to put the series away but came up short when it needed to be the MVP. How about you take a unanimous seat over there Steph and have a good hard unanimous look at yourself. But I digress. The burger struck me as something which was not hand made in that it had that hockey puck shape which is typically indicative of a burger straight from the packet. But the flavour was reasonable (a bit of extra herbage may have helped) and was cooked perfectly.


The bun was the highlight of the show for mine. When it came out I instantly thought I was in for an uber sweet brioche but it was actually a pretzel style bread and had the perfect amount of crust on the outside whilst maintaining the fluffy inside. The size of the bun in proportion to the patty was spot on such that burger management was never an issue. Although it does say a little something about the burger that the side kick, being the bun, was the star of the show – call it Draymond.


The salads on the burger were virtually none existent apart from a few sprigs of rocket – call them Harrison Barnes. Whilst the salads are not the main guy on the team, you notice their lack of presence if they go missing (2 for 20 from the field in games 5 and 6 – good luck in free agency young fella). I must admit that I was slightly disappointing that the most prevalent salads at Uncle Joe’s were situated on the scalps of the customers of Uncle Joe’s Barbers. Also of note, Uncle Joe’s employed the recently favoured technique of deconstructing the burger by serving a dollop of mayo, a pickle and a teaspoon of salsa on the side. This doesn’t do much for me. Just plonk this stuff on the burger and get on with it.


The sauce combination was actually very effective – with the aforementioned mayo and a delightful seeded mustard. The use of seeded mustard is quite seldom but given it goes smashingly well with a steak then it makes sense that it would go well with a burger. The benefit of the seeded mustard is the vinegar content and its ability to cut through and neutralise the char on the burger which can be overpowering if not done well – call the sauce combo Iggy.   


There is not much I can write about the chips because there weren’t any. Just a small section of grilled corn which played a role but not what was needed in the circumstances – call the lack of chips the “King Flopper” Anderson Varejao.


Overall, the burger worked quite well as a whole but was missing a piece or two to get the job done. The burger has been talked up big time and to add to this, every hipster and his dog is now on the Uncle Joe’s fresh-cut salad bandwagon (just like everyone is on the Steph Curry bandwagon – although a few people have unanimously left that train of recent times).


In light of the above, I am coining this burger the 2016 Golden State Warriors burger. Ironically, the architect of the Golden State Warriors is a guy by the name of Joe Lacob. Perhaps he owns Uncle Joe’s. Illuminati shit right there.

Score - 36

The Reveley (Perth)

Much like Sam Smith’s feeble attempt at a “Bond song” the writing was well and truly on the wall well before we ventured down to The Reveley located at Perth’s new Elizabeth Quay.


To start with, it was the first day of 2016 where it actually rained in Perth. Given this typically occurs only 10 times a year over in the West, it was an early sign that it was going to be a tough day out there for this young player. (For those Melbournians reading this review, the writer appreciates that just surviving New Years Day without rain is cause for celebration over East, nonetheless we weren’t happy with the rain in our parade even if it was the end of April).


The Reveley opened to much fanfare down at Betty’s Jetty and being the second CBD establishment of the owners of Stables Bar, this burger enthusiast had high hopes. The three storey venue is a great addition to the Perth foreshore and when the deserted Quay finally has a tenant or two it is sure to attract regular crowds on a Friday night for a cheeky frothy.

The burger served was a Wagyu Beef burger with bacon and a side of chips for the not so poultry sum of $26.


Unlike the writer of our previous review, this writer is not going to indulge in a selfish ego boosting monologue about whether or not bacon belongs on a burger. This writer acknowledges that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and those who are of the opinion that a burger requires bacon are simply wrong.


With that out of the way our attention is turned to the burger itself, initially the rating received was slightly higher than that which was landed on as some members of the voting panel made revisions to their scoring when the burger had failed to properly digest a number of hours later.


Starting with the biggest gripe of the reviewers – the patty. Advertising a Wagyu Beef patty is a sure fire way to get this lad salivating at the prospect of a big, juicy and fresh meat patty. The false advertising here was much like Coles’ attempt at “Fresh Baked Bread”. It may have contained some form of Wagyu beef but sourcing the patty from the Coles frozen food section and then serving it up at a fine establishment like this saw the ratings heading “down down” right from the start.


The bun was of sound size and freshness, and while the Bun should never steal the limelight in “The Burger Show” when the Melbourne Stars take the field, it certainly would help if there was a little bit of Cameron White excitement (e.g. some charcoal toasting) to add some flavour to the match. (A shout out to the hipster of hipster’s – The Big Show, who was kind enough to make time in his schedule to join us for this review).


The salads were a bit of a non-event – staying with the cricket theme here they were a bit like Luke Ronchi, promising so much on paper with the suggestion of some dill pickle and caramelised onions but falling for a duck with a forward defence that leaves a mighty big gap between bun and patty. Some advice is offered at this point: wash and dry the lettuce (especially if its iceberg). I guess the expensive fitout left the owners short of enough cash to invest in a salad spinner. Or maybe it was all invested in maintaining a fresh salad atop James Faulkner’s mug.


The caramelised onion was however a great addition, and the pickles good (although lacking in quantity). Those reviewers who appreciate bacon in the burger did comment that the maple smoked bacon was a good addition and could be great if given a little more love.


Finally, it was the lack of sauces which resulted in an expensive last 5 overs for The Reveley. It was always going to be an uphill battle when you’re taken out of the attack after starting the over with 3 full bungas from Dirk Nannes and forget the Mustard. But to replace it with Michael Beer who without any discernible turn (or in this case mayo or tomato sauce) meant it was going to be a very boring finish to the match.


The saving grace for this burger was the chips. Coming in at the end of a long batting line-up to save the day like David Hussey, the fries were crispy and well coated in salt with solid aioli and tomato dipping sauces. They simply did the job in terms of quantity and got enough runs on the board to put forward a competitive total.


Overall, this burger was a big let-down for a venue that promises so much. I should note that before signing off there were some members at the table who were very satisfied with their crumbed whiting fish and chips – a dish that this reviewer is known to get just a tad excited about from time to time.


Given the good looks, significant hype and advertising one cannot help but be reminded of Jack Watts when reflecting on this burger. Like the Melbourne coaching staff we are torn by the promise of the talent displayed by the owners at Stables Bar in the reserves (e.g. the 2008 Under 18s) but since making it onto the big stage the pressure seems to have become too much to handle. Let’s hope that The Reveley doesn’t take 8 years to find its way like our mate Jack who has only now decided in 2016 to get those fingernails dirty and win his own ball every now and again.




Score - 29.4

Howling's Bar (Hood Burger)

In the immortal words of Michael Jordan from March 18, 1995:

“I’m back.”

After a hiatus of almost two years, we are delighted to announce that the Burger Friday crew have enlisted some help defence and are back bigger and better than ever. Such a glorious return to the spotlight needed to be accompanied by a burger to match (MJ played his first game back in Indiana for those playing at home) – so we wandered up the terrace to Howling’s Bar to sample the pop-up Hood Burger which has set up shop at Howling’s Bar.

Howling’s Bar is located on the busy Hay Street in the Perth CBD and was opened after a rather expensive renovation of the facilities. The first few months for Howling’s Bar were tough as they copped some heavy criticism on the interweb for their menu. To their credit, they took all of this feedback on board and enlisted the help of the pop-up stall – Hood Burger – to offer patrons an array of burger treats (and pretty much nothing else). The end result is a dude mecca which satiates the need for quality affordable burgers in the Perth CBD.

The venue itself isn’t going to knock your socks off. It feels a lot like a University nightclub which gets opened up during the day. Although it appeared that no one told the DJ – the music choice was reminiscent of the R&B room at Room 99 in Geelong – Bump, Bump, Bump…. Baby If You Give It To Me…. Independent Women. First class tunes.

The best part was that we appeared to be served by Boobarella from The Simpsons.

But enough about the venue, we are here to talk about the burger which came in at $14 with bacon plus $5 for chips.

The burger itself was in the upper echelon of Perth burgers (not an overly great achievement) in that it did the simple things right.

The patty was one of the best we have tried – it was clearly hand-made and the chef achieved the perfect balance of the Maillard Reaction and keeping the inside of the patty to a juicy medium. Pretty much full marks for the patty.

In addition to this, the bacon was cooked perfectly and the cheese was cooked on the patty whilst it was on the grill.

The sauce combination was a simple yet very effective mustard and tomato sauce. This was perfectly balance and left us thinking whether we had wandered into a fancier version of Hungry Jack’s by mistake.

As for the salads – salads on a burger are a lot like Sacremento Kings point guard Rajon Rondo, when he focuses on facilitation and making his teammates around him better then he is an asset to any team. When he lets his ego get in the way and tries to go outside of his role – he is detrimental to the locker room. Luckily, the salads on the Hood Burger knew their role and complimented the other ingredients by cutting through the richness.

Now it is at this point that I feel I need to raise what is probably the most pressing issue in burger society at the moment – does avocado belong on a burger? Or maybe a better way to phrase that question is why would anyone in their right mind believe that avocado belongs on a burger? When I think about these people I am drawn to a quote from the Dark Knight:

“Some men just want to watch the world burn.”

For some reason, one of the top-up players we enlisted the help of was on the side of avocado. I am without words.

The chips were the subject of great debate. A number of the crew were disappointed that the chips were dry. My response to this is two-fold:

1.      Who the hell wants a moist chip? Have you ever heard anyone say – “Oh yeah man those chips were so moist! I was in heaven. I love it when my chips are moist”.

2.      Dry chips are more conducive to sauce – the jalapeno mayo offered with the chips copped some flack as well.

So the chips were marked down very heavily by one member which diminished the overall rating. But we welcome a diverse range of opinions to give you the most complete picture possible.

Overall, this burger is well and truly worth the short stroll to the venue. Given the criticism that Howling’s Bar has copped, it is hard not to draw similarities with Richmond Captain Trent Cotchin. Clearly he has a few things to work out in terms of his performance but some of his attributes are league leading and it is just a matter of time before he finds his groove and is a force to be reckoned with.

Score – 38.8

 

Kermond's Hamburgers

Burger reviewed: Burger with the lot with extra cheese

Venue: Kermond's Hamburgers (Warrnambool)

Date: 22/4/2014

Today's burger adventure saw the Fellows venture down to God's Country - South-Western Victoria - to sample the burger treats at Kermond's Hamburgers. A local institution, Kermond's has been operating since 1949 and specialises in an honest-to-goodness fish and chip shop style burger which has served as the savior of many an inebriated man. Kermond's is your typical country fast food establishment with its retro coke memorabilia and large selection of spiders and thick shakes to choose from (how good are spiders?!). But we were here to sample the burger so we promptly ordered the burger with the lot with extra cheese and got ready to nosh.

The burger came out in a flash and was piping hot - in a Burger Friday first, we actually had to let this burger cool a bit before tucking into it. But I am happy to cop the second degree burns to my mouth, lips and feet (I was wearing thongs and some of the juice squirted down onto my feet when I took the first bite - I was a tad unlucky to burn myself there I thought) to know that the burger was not sitting on a bench for 15 minutes getting cold and wilted prior to delivery.

Let's break the burger down into its parts. 

The patty was thinner than a lot of the burgers we have tried in the past but it was tender, juicy and cooked well. Kermond's employ a technique used by fish and chip shop owners for generations which is to fry some brown onion into the patty during the cooking process. The sweetness of the caramelised onion shards complemented the bitterness of the charred burger patty for an opening partnership which would rival Davey Warner and Bucky Rogers - despite being on opposite ends of the flavour spectrum, somehow it just works.  

The toppings were plentiful and all played their part. The bacon was crisp, the egg was creamy and cooked to a point where the yolk still maintained its glorious ooze, and the Aussie slice of beetroot provided a hint of acidity and tang which cut through the richness of the other ingredients. I have never understood what is so quintessentially Australian about putting beetroot on a burger. The only people that harp on about beetroot on a burger being Australian seems to be the McDonald's advertising team when they reintroduce the McOz burger every six months despite it still being on the menu the entire time. Anyways. 

To be honest I imagine that not all burger enthusiasts would enjoy this burger for what it is - which is the holy grail of late night pissed food - as there were a couple of minor drawbacks that are not everyone's cup of tea. The first being the structural integrity. As the patty and the toppings were so plentiful, the bun was not big enough to contain everything meaning that the paper bag that the burger was served in was required to do the heavy lifting from a structural integrity stand point. The second gripe is the aftertaste associated with the chips. I am not sure if it is the type of oil that the chips were fried in but they had an unusual after taste (which was not dissimilar to the flavour of the animal fat on a steak or chop that has not been properly rendered). A good squeeze of Heinz Big Red was required to mask this after taste. 

Overall, the Kermond's burger is a glorious mess of comfort food made from quality country ingredients and ripping value at $18.50 with chips (I am convinced that inflation is a principle that has only been applied to Metropolitan areas). As such, we are naming this burger after another South-Western Victorian icon in Jonathan Brown. A brut of a man that is made from all the right stuff (JB's old man Brian played league footy for Fitzroy) who all 17 other AFL clubs would love to have on their list. Not to mention Jonathan Brown's known love of a beer - a Kermond's and tinny would be a match made in heaven.


If you are in the area and are looking for a good burger, look no further than Kermond's. But if you are looking for more of a foodies getaway, head down the coast to Timboon for some of the finest produce in the district. 

Score - 40/50

The Bridge Hotel

Burger reviewed: Wagyu Beef Burger

Venue: The Bridge Hotel

Date: 18 January 2013

The newly renovated Bridge Hotel in Richmond served us up the Luc Longley of burgers.  Those accustomed to our burger to sportsperson/equine analogy might be asking – why Longley?  This is one very large and uniquely Australian burger, and there are few bigger Australians than the former Boomer but more on this later because for those of you who haven’t been to the Bridge Hotel in the last few years will be pleasantly surprised.

Renovated isn’t really doing the Bridge justice, think bigger, this is the Optimus Prime of transformations. This pub typifies the best of Melbourne’s urban culture in what is an eclectic mixture of style and flare. If Andy Warhol were to design a pub, this would be it.  That’s enough about the décor and onto the reason for our attendance – the burger.

The rustic wagyu burger is packed with bacon, egg, caramelised onion, lettuce, tomato, beetroot, cheese, relish & aioli – pierced together by a wooden skewer.  I have previously aired my frustration at the increasing use of skewers as a substitute for the old-school sprig of parsley, but this was less of a culinary decoration and more of a necessity.  Think late night kebab on Brunswick St and you’ll understand why a skewer can be important.  Be warned though, this is the type of burger you can’t really put down for fear that it will fall apart.  

Often when a burger tries to squeeze in as many ingredients as the Bridge it is bereft of any real sense of flavor.  Not so here. This brings me to the central pillar of any burger – the synergy.  There was nothing particularly impressive about the individual ingredients, the bacon could’ve done with a few more minutes on the grill and you can never have enough relish, but when all the ingredients are combined as a whole, it just works.  I need to be clear here so as not to build unrealistic expectations; the burger doesn’t have the cohesion of the Brisbane Lions of ‘01-‘03 or even the Cats of ‘07, ‘09 & ’11 and is more akin to the workman-like Sydney Swans of the last decade.

As you would expect, a lot of our attention when reviewing any burger goes to the pattie.  To be frank, I was a little underwhelmed with this.  It’s not as if it had any inherent flaw, but it brought us to the question of whether bigger is better? This was without a doubt the thickest pattie we have come across to date and, as much as it surprises me to say it, was almost a bit of meat overkill. It’s not something that can’t be fixed though, as with Ronaldo in the 2010 world cup, just trim the fat and perhaps add a few spices and you should be on winner.

You couldn’t really fault the bun as it was fresh and toasted but it just lacked that bit of an X-Factor for mine.  It is probably best likened to the vanilla of neopolitan ice-cream, it is a very safe choice when its competitors are offering things that have a bit more pizzazz.  On the other side of the plate, the beer battered chips were cooked to a golden brown and seasoned generously. You can’t do much more than that. 

Our main gripe was not so much the burger, but that its service was slower than Eric “the eel” Moussambini at the Sydney Olympics – we must take some responsibility for this as we did arrive in the middle of Friday peak hour.  On the topic of service, it would be remiss of me not to mention our waiter who shared an uncanny resemblance to a man made famous on the mediocre AFL footballers of the 1990’s facebook fanpage; ex-Bulldog, Mark West.  The doppelganger was about as good as it got for Westy as he failed to clasp his mitts around a pint glass when clearing the adjacent table and it fell shattering to the floor.  It didn’t stop there though, as the old bloke in the corner decided to provide special comments that even captain obvious himself, Mark Waugh, would be proud of – “at least you know it’s made of glass not plastic now mate”.  Not quite in the league of Junior Waugh’s summation of a third umpire review of a Brad Hodge run-out attempt during the week – “this one’s close, he is either going to be adjudged out or not out here”.

Don’t expect this burger to be a feature in The Age good food guide– it is too rustic for that; however, like Longley to the ‘94-96 Bulls dynasty of Jordan, Pippen, Rodman & Kukoc, it is a more than serviceable side-kick to what is a stellar venue.  It is certainly the type of place where an afternoon burger could easily become beers into the late evening.  A great venue for a beer and a solid burger.

Burger Friday Rating: 36.83/50

The Burger Lounge

Burger reviewed: the Lounge Signature Burger
Date: 13 January 2012

The Fellows further showed their disdain of the Australian test selectors "resting" policy as they ventured out to the leafy shire of Nillumbik to sample their fourth burger of the new year. This time, at the ever popular local eatery, the Eltham Burger Lounge. The site of the old TAB - the smell of the ashen thickened walls and the confetti of discarded tickets now distant memories - has been revamped into a contemporary, yet somewhat eclectic, dining room centered around a large communal table. This family friendly diner is a beacon for locals and is regularly sighted with a queue long enough to rival Chris Bosh's neck.

Owners, Gerry and Florie Mustafas; on the back of their success at the highly regarded Charcoal Chicken on Bolton Street, clearly understand what patrons want and offer an extensive menu of quality, fresh and locally sourced ingredients. With such an abundance of choice one could be forgiven for thinking that the Fellows would have more difficulty than John Inverarity in picking a first XI when they approached the counter, but as any burger enthusiast would know - always go the house burger.

The Lounge Signature Burger comes with a 100% prime organic gippsland beef pattie stuffed with havarti cheese and basted with a balsamic glaze. While the pattie is undeniably the star of the show, it is ably accompanied by pickled cucumber, red onion, mixed lettuce, fresh tomato as well as relish and herb aioli. As much as I am advocate of seeing a burger topped off by a crispy rasher of bacon; the reality is, and much like two-thirds of the EPL ladder, it wasn't needed.

The pattie is handmade daily and featured a first in our burger ventures - cheese inside the pattie. Cooked medium with a charcoal finish, the melted cheese provides a texture and juiciness unlike any other burger we have sampled. A real delight. Although this burger fan prefers a marginally thicker pattie, the size of the burger to the bun was perfect.

On that note, the traditional Artisan sourdough panini - the bun, for those of you not interested in a blog which reads of Pete Evan's blanched almonds - is generously coated with seeds and is lightly toasted to provide a nice crunch, but not so much that it loses its freshness. Plaudits cannot really be given for the simple act of toasting bread, but its getting the little things right which transform the good into great - just ask Wayne Harms.

Not surprisingly, the chips are crispy, perfectly salted and seasoned with a mix of herbs. Don't expect any sachet of Heinz Big Red, but there is a great mixture of condiments - we went for the sweet chilli mayo - a good investment for the small sum of a dollar. You do, however, receive a complimentary moist towelette that puts even Colonel Sanders to shame.

As is the current trend, there is no side salad but what is inside the burger would be more than enough to keep Pete Siddle happy - not sure why you'd become a vegetarian when burgers like this are on offer, but that's a topic for another day. The salad is finished off with a garlic aioli and tomato relish which wouldn't look out of place in some of Melbourne's elite restaurants.

The Burger Lounge is the Roger Federer of the burger world. The alcohol free venue is a real family favourite and the signature burger, much like the Fed Express on the court, is just about the complete package. The burger didn't have the standout ingredient à la a Roddick serve or a Henman serve and volley, but it didn't have any shortcomings either. It ticked all the right boxes and, like Federer at his peak, would require something special to beat it.

It is well worth the stop if you're in the area or the drive if you're not.

Burger Friday Score: 41.67/50

Meat & Wine Co

Burger Reviewed: Gourmet Beef Burger

Venue: Meat & Wine Co

Date: 11/1/13

Today's burger adventure was one like no other. For the first time in Burger Friday history, we allowed not one, but two of the finest young ladies I know to score the burger using our precisely developed scorecard. Not only that, of the five people that made the trek to Meat & Wine Co, four of them were female.

Sitting in the booth of this trendy restaurant with modern decor surrounded by these beautiful women, I couldn't help but feel like Mario Balotelli when he sends one of his entourage to approach a girl in a night club to say "Balotelli will see you now".

Chauvinism aside, let me now present to you - Burger Friday's first gender neutral burger review (not really based on the numbers, but anyway)!

This burger was one of the better ones we have tried.

 In NBA terms, burgers would rate somewhere from the "White Mamba" Brian Scalabrine (YouTube it) to perenial All-Star and arguably the greatest of all time, Michael Jordan. Put it this way, this burger wouldn't be a starter in the All-Star game but it would have polled enough twitter votes to find a place on the bench - think someone like Kevin Love.

If you have read our review of the Merrywell burger you would have noticed a fake history lesson introducing a phenomenon known as the "grilling sweetspot" - Meat & Wine Co have made it to the promised land in that sense. The patty was charred on the outside and juicy and medium on the inside. The outside of the patty even had the perfect criss-cross grill lines that every Tom, Dick and Harry Styles have been trying to get in their backyards for generations.

The bun was on par - I would liken it to making 370 batting first at the Adelaide Oval. You won't get beaten badly from their but you just know the deck is going to be good for batting in days two and three.

The chips were good. As you can tell from the photo, they came in this copper coloured baseless metal ring that looked like the wedding rings that would be used if Stewart Loewe and Brian McMillan were to wed. No sauce was supplied but the waiter was more than happy to squeeze some Heinz Big Red into a cat food dish for us.

I do have a couple of gripes with the burger which on initial reading will sound like the burger is rubbish but as I will explain, it is not all bad.

The burger was under sauced. However, the patty was so juicy that things never really went dry.

There was no cheese. Admittedly, the burger had enough flavour to survive without the creamy nuttyness of the cheese.

There was no bacon. But the burger didn't suffer because of it as it did have these fried shards of battered onions which gave the burger the crunch you look for in charred bacon. It is kind of like in the NAB cup a few years back when if you hit the goal post and got three points - yeah you didn't get the goal but it was still a lot better than the behind.

The other thing I love was the pickle. Such a playful little pickle. Similar to Buckwheat on the movie The Little Rascals, "I love pickles!"

The sportsperson I would use to describe this burger would be that of Mario Balotelli. A man who was once involved in a car crash whilst having $25,000 on the passenger seat. When asked by police why he had such an exorbitant amount of money in his car he replied "because I'm rich". The reason I mention that story is because the place we reviewed is called Meat & Wine COMPANY - this name gives off a "big money" feel as you are eating at a company rather than a restaurant. And like Balotelli, this burger was better than most, but not quite good enough to play with the big boys.

Well worth the $25 for the burger and beer if you are in the area.  

Burger Friday Score: 36.33/50

 

The Breslin Bar & Grill

Burger Reviewed: The Lamb Burger with feta and cumin

Venue: The Breslin Bar & Grill

Date: 14/9/2012

Today the Burger Friday Fellows ventured down to the banks of Southbank to check out the areas newest eatery - the Breslin Bar & Grill. A brand new venue which has recently popped up, the Breslin is one impressive venue. While bright and airy venues are the style de jour of most places nowadays, the Breslin is decked out in dark leather and low lighting, complete with faux antler fixtures. Walking into this place reminded me of that scene in Ace Ventura - When Nature Calls when Ace walks into that "lovely room of death". Hilarious. Just a place that to look at you would believe it would smell of rich mahogany and meat, and would not look amiss as a "Boss House" of Ralph Lauren.

So given the plush digs, and the promise of carnivorous delights associated with the name of the venue we were expecting big things. The burger itself comes out on a chopping board, with an arrangement of condiments, including pickled beetroot and twice cooked chips. Everything to date was positive, but to understand our rating, we have to break this burger down into its parts.

Being a meat lovers paradise, naturally the patty was the star of the show. A quality handmade patty of generous proportions which was cooked to a juicy medium. The quality of the patty was top notch and made me want to order a side of steak or pork ribs. I liken the patty to the annual MLB Home Run Derby - you were promised a big man smashing a pill as far as possible. And it delivered.

Unfortunately, the quality of the patty was taken over by the doughiness of the bun. It was burgeoning on unpleasant. While the meat to patty ratio was good, afterwards I felt like that guy on current affair that falls asleep 65 times a day spontaneously. While I enjoy a food coma as much as the next man, it oft arrives at that inconvenient time when you have work to finish off in the afternoon.

With a doughy bun, you really need the remaining ingredients on the burger to step in to counteract. While the addition of feta was an interesting inclusion which definitely gave the burger a little something extra, we didn't get the required freshness of the salads (unsurprising considering the nature of the service offering Breslin), the crispiness of the bacon or the tang of a sauce combination to really make this burger work. As a result, this burger did not rate well from a synergy point of view.

The chips were plentiful in supply and cooked well but much like the bun, they were a little chunky and just gave off an overly doughy/starchy feel that was like eating a whole potato. Cut each chip in half before cooking it and all of a sudden you have yourself a belter of a chip.

For me at the end of the day, this burger was probably like a young Gary Ablett Jnr in his first year. You can tell the Breslin are going to do very good things in the future, giving enough glimpses of the potential pedigree to come. While young Gary and the Breslin might not standout in there first year as the best going around currently, there is definitely a lot of potential there to suggest that they could go to great levels. I am looking forward to it.

Burger Friday Rating: 32.5/50

New York Burger

Burger reviewed: The Manhattan Burger

Venue: New York Burger

Date: 6/7/2012

The Collins Street store of New York Burger Co (NYBC) was the venue of today’s Burger Friday meeting. And to give you the result straight up, I was left slightly underwhelmed.

NYBC is a relatively new entrant to the market of franchised burger venues and its signature burger, the Manhattan, was the burger dejour. Proclaiming to be from the land of the bigger, stronger, fatter I expected this thing to be f’ing huge. I am talking burger the size of Brett Ebert’s head, enough chips to stop Adam Richman in his tracks and coupled with a xxxl size refillable cup of soda. 

And to be honest, I  don’t think this is unreasonable when you think of the largesse that New York has provided the world. The Big Apple, the home of the Big Bambino, the Donald, the Yankees, the Knicks. A place that Frank Sinatra loved so much he repeated its name twice!

But unfortunately my gluttonous dreams were deflated when it came out. It was just kinda normal. Real normal. Just your real run of the mill, smack bang in the middle, average burger. Kinda like every player on the Melbourne football club list type of normal.  

The patty was the highlight of the burger but still had its flaws (it is kind of like being labelled as the smartest contestant on the TV show "The Hills"). It was well cooked but clearly was not handmade. A handmade burger is so much more of an asset to a burger maker in that firstly, the meat is generally of higher quality but also, spices and herbs can be tossed into the patty mixture allowing you to personalise your patty. Not to mention allowing you to finagle the mixture into whatever size and shape you want. My number one tip for NYBC would be to upgrade to a handmade patty and experiment with the patty mixture to give a truer New York experience. Nostalgia is gold.   

The bun did its job in that it kept the burger together. That is about all we can say for it. Much like the maligned Australian-born English wicket keeper Geraint Jones - he stopped the ball from going to the boundary when the batsmen left it - that is all.  

The chips were akin to the style and serving size you get from McD’s for $1 on the dollar change menu and were quite well done. A good shoestring fry with some nice sauce is always going to please the Fellows. Unfortunately, the sauce was lacking.  

Everything is better with bacon and the same holds true for the burger at NYBC. However, the bacon lacked the ideal crunch that would make this burger better tuxturally.  

All in all, the burger had flavours similar to that of your local fish and chip shop, but without the ooze of cheese and egg. Due to the fact that this burger seemed to lack effort and the ability to live up to its name, we are likening this burger to Nathan Ablett. But hey, he won a premiership - that makes him a better footballer than Nathan Buckley in my book.

The price was reasonable at around $13 for the meal combo which is good for a venue in amongst the rat race that is Collins Street. If you are in the area, it is probably worth trying. 

Burger Friday Rating: 30/50

The Merrywell

Burger Reviewed: The Merrywell

Venue: The Merrywell

Date: 8/6/2012

This Friday’s burger adventure brought the fellows to Merrywell in Southbank to sample the originally named Merrywell burger.

On a day that saw LeBron James put up 45 points, 15 boards and 5 dimes against the Celtics, the Merrywell burger was never going to be the best performer of the day. However, it did put up a Paul Pierce esc effort – meaty, hard-hitting and full of class. Ironically, the table number we were given was number 34 – a number made famous by Paul Pierce himself and another unhinged superstar in Hakeem “the Dream”, but also a number that has been brought down by certain muppets such as Alan Toovey and the chemical element Selenium (a key ingredient in anti-dandruff shampoos). Anyways, why am I talking about this?

In order to understand the burger on the whole, we must first break it down into its parts – and to do so, I will be making reference to not one, not two, but three 1960’s Clint Eastwood Country and Western epics:

The Good:

The patty was really tasty and well cooked. The Chef/s at Merrywell have hit what is called “the grilling sweetspot” which steak cookers have been searching for for years. First discovered by Sir Barnabus T Grillplate, for which the cooking apparatus is named, “the grilling sweetspot” is that temperature of the grill that allows you to char the outside of the patty just enough to impose that slightly bitter charcoal flavour whilst keeping the inner patty to a perfect medium-rare. Full marks for the beef injection!

The Merrywell had what every good burger has, and every average burger lacks – and that is a bit of zip and zing in each bite – Zsa Zsa Zu for the female readers (the missus made me watch all six seasons). This represents a great lesson to be learned by all burger makers – a truly great burger has some kick in it - it may come in the form of pickles, mustard, charred bacon or a spicy relish. But it is an absolute must!

The Bad:   

The burger had some structural integrity issues mainly caused by a bun that was slightly too small to be serviceable (ah hem Jake King!!). However, it must be noted that the bun was only slightly off – another 1 – 2 cm’s extra in diameter would have been ideal.

Now I am not one for blaspheming but the bacon was virtually unnoticeable. I know, “thou shalt not take the bacon’s name in vain” but I just feel I have a responsibility to bring it to your attention. If the bacon was slightly crispier or slightly more charred it would have been a lot better.

The Ugly:

The burger was as wet and sloppy as something very wet and sloppy. I am going to leave the metaphor to you to think of. But it got to the stage where the bun went mushy – much the same way the tomato sangas your old girl made for you in primary school would have.

A Fist full of Dollars:

The Merrywell burger comes in at $20 even with a healthy serving of seriously good chips and a couple of sauce bottles by your side. If you don’t like Heinz Big Red (ridiculous thought I know but there are some backwards people who prefer a nice whole-egg mayonnaise or maybe even vinegar with their chips) you could just use the chips to soak up the litre of meat juice pooling at the bottom of the plate. Seriously, it was like the burger was Nick Reiwoldt’s head and it was watching the 2009 Grand Final medal presentations (also known as one of the happiest moments of my life – not a Geelong supporter in case you were wondering).

Hang ‘em high:

On the whole, the burger is an absolute ripper! All the toppings are fresh, the bun is light and easy to mung through, and the overall flavour is quite memorable.

The analogy I will use to describe this burger (as well as comparing it to Paul Pierce) is that of a Johnny Cash song. If you “Walk the line” to Merrywell, you will not “Cry, Cry, Cry” or end up with the “Folsom Prison Blues”. Instead “I promise you”, you will enjoy a cracking burger, and one that is should be served “When the man comes around”.

Burger Friday Rating: 42.15/50

Strange Wolf

Burger reviewed: Strange Wolf Beef Burger

Venue: Strange Wolf

Date: 27/4/2012

This week's burger adventure saw the Fellow's strut up to the Strange Wolf bar on Strachan Lane. A tucked away bar which specialises in making one thing - burgers!

We walked down the stairs and were greeted by a place more congested than St. Kilda's backline - probably with the footballing talent to match. Zac Dawson = a poor man's Jason Saddington! But that is off topic.

What then commenced is the most intense game of musical chairs that the world has ever seen - and not fun a game of musical chairs where everybody wins (like the one in that episode of the Simpsons where Bart gets placed in the remedial class in Cypress Creek) but one where every person that leaves the place has a swarm of people dive on their chair like Joel Selwood dives on the footy (except they are looking for a chair rather than a cheap free kick). My recommendation for people going to this place is to fight dirty!

I will just come out and say it.. the service was poor! I think this was the first time that the Fellow's handed out a Krispy Kreme donut for speed of service. This place made Arjuna Ranatunga look like Dwyane Leverock (minus the greatest catch in cricket history - youtube it if you haven't seen it).

The chips were as lifeless as a Mumbai cricket pitch, even more unfortunate is that lacked they heat of Mumbai (a place that brought you such cricketing royalty as Ajit Agarkar - the only test cricketer to score seven ducks in a row). The analogy that I would use to describe the chips would be that of Simon Wiggins - a bloke that Carlton continuously forgot to delist because he was so forgettable. Even worse was that the sauce came in the bottom half of a shot glass - although I have seriously thought about sipping smokey BBQ on the rocks - this was not ideal.

The burger itself was really good. The patty was spilling out over the edge of the bun (picture the gut hanging out of Derek Kickett's shorts), was cooked well, well seasoned and had a rustic texture (even though one of the fellow's doesn't actually know what texture means). One positive is that they didn't waste time with greenery - a few julienne's of iceberg was about it. My favourite part of the burger was the mustard - the kind of mustard you spread on your Christmas ham on toast. All up, the burger worked as a whole despite being disadvantaged by the side dishes around it and the overall set up (Gary Ablett much?).  

Following the usual lively Political discussion that has become expected of the sacred gatherings of the Fellows, we began to talk about which sports person this burger reminded us of. One person that came to mind was Brent Stanton as he delivers when there aren't any people around him, but he is no good in traffic (this is reference to the poor speed of service during congested times). However, as this is an Olympic year - a year in which the best athletes in the world come together to see who can get their hands on the world's least detectable forms of performance enhancing substances - I thought an Australian Olympian would be more fitting. Therefore, I have chosen Australia's number 3 man, Daniel Kowalski. Much like the perennial bridesmaid's bridesmaid, Strange Wolf were technically very good, but just slower than their main rivals.  

In conclusion, I would go back for the burger, but not for anything else.

Which brings me to this week's burger Friday life lesson - God is just Dog backwards, so have a laugh instead!

Peace out!

Burger Friday Rating: 32.67/50

Andrews Hamburgers

 

Burger reviewed: Traditional beef burger with the lot.

Venue: Andrews Hamburgers Albert Park

Date: 20 April 2012

The iconic Andrews Hamburgers in Albert Park was the venue of this weeks Burger Friday. Having served up burgers since 1939, there is little doubt that Andrew know burgers, and accordingly so, Andrews Hamburgers reputation for dishing up delicious burgers is widely known across Melbourne.

The word icon was originally used to describe works of early Christian religious art. Now the word is commonly used in the general sense of a symbol — i.e. a name, face, picture, edifice or even a person readily recognized as having some well-known significance or embodying certain qualities. For Andrews hamburgers the latter is probably more applicable than the former. While hardly recognisable as a religious piece of art (except maybe on the way home after a dozen frothies), but certainly a delicious and modern iconic burger. And let's be honest, besides the grand prix, and the lake (which arguably both relate to the same thing), is there much else which Albert park is known for?

The burger with the lot is a lot of value for the money (coming in with chips at under $15). It is big, honest and flavor some. Think fish and chip shop burger, and then make it bigger and better. While grilling the meat patty, grilled onions are pushed on top into the meat and then covered with swiss cheese to melt away deliciously into a sticky beautiful mess. The meat and cheese mess is then perched on a bun on top of a bed of cabbage and lettuce, covered with crunchy bacon and topped with a dollop of the old trusty dead horse (heinz big red) to complete the beast. Wrapped in paper and served in a paper bag, this is take away burgers at their mighty best. Hot tip for young players - make sure you assume the position, i.e. when your going to take your first bite, lean forward and stick your arse out to avoid making a mess of your clothing. 

Now if I do my math correctly, having opened in 1939, that is 73 years of burger flipping. It is clear to see that these guys know what they are doing behind a hot plate and the crowds of tradies and hipsters flocking to Bridport street to indulge in this well known burger can attest to that. The sheer number and consistency of the burgers being served by the staff was akin to the skillful brilliance of disposals coming from Nathan Buckleys right and left foots during his playing prime.

If your local served up this burgers you would probably die from a heart attack at age 50, but would go out in a bloody big coffin as a fat and happy man. If in the area it is definitely worth giving a crack. Like Michael Malthouse, these guys just know what they are doing, and have been doing it for years. While there are new venues with flashier game plans, sometimes a good game plan just works. You don't win the best burger in Melbourne (aka the premiership) multiple times for no reason.

Burger Friday Rating: 39.40/50

McDonalds

Burger reviewed: Big Mac - Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions - all on a sesame seed bun

Venue: McDonalds

Date: 13 April 2012

The fellows decided that it was time to rate a burger that our many readers can relate to – a yardstick if you will. We therefore ventured to McDonalds to try their stalwart, the Big Mac. For the sake of argument I wanted to mention that the McDonalds we ventured was the Southbank one, located close to Yarra. If you listen to the McDonalds advertisements this fact is of little relevance, as whether you are in Melbourne or Belarus, a Big Mac is apparently identical. Some fellows reminisced about the famous Big Mac song as we entered. For those of you who are not familiar with the tune, you will find it at the following link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UWq26V01po.

While this blog is primarily about burgers, we fellows also give a smaller weight to the Burger Friday experience in general. This contains such criteria such as atmosphere, cleanliness, speed of service and whether a beer is included in a meal. While beer is available in some European McDonalds stores, the Australian version obviously struggled to figure in this category. The cleanliness of McDonalds is usually a hit and miss. If the restaurant is quiet, it would normally be impeccable but generally at peak times the cleanliness can be an issue. The stories we hear about our mates who used to work as cooks for McDonalds makes you think that the OHS inspector will revoke some licences quicker that Nathan Tinkler revoked the A league licence of the Newcastle Jets, but of course these stories cannot be verified. We can also officially say we have found the Usain Bolt in terms of speed of service, but you would expect that from a “fast food” chain. Enough about the experience let’s get to the real stuff.    

The Big Mac is inherently linked to being Big, but as the photos above may suggest, the Maccas advertisers have definitely perfected the art of optical illusion. There are two-all beef patties which is apparently meant to make the burger big, but in reality both patties are so thin, that they would struggle to match the size of generally accepted single patty. The McDonalds patties are also bereft of flavour, but that is what you would come to expect from pre-packaged meat. However all is not lost, as flavour does come through in spades through the Big Mac’s special sauce.  Google tells me the sauce is a mix of various types of salad dressing mayonnaise, various pickle relishes and even some ketchup. Whatever is in it, this special sauce is what makes a Big Mac, a Big Mac. The sesame seed bun is a soft as a Jason bedding pillow, but I have doubts about its ability to match the pillow’s toughness. The burger may not have it all, but tell me you have sunk your teeth into one after a steady night on the piss.       

Onto the famous Maccas fries. We have noticed that most burger joints have used these shoe strings as a template for their own establishments and it is easy to see why. Crisp, easy to eat and the perfect amount of a salt, create a sumptuous side dish. The only time McDonalds fries are not good is when they are cold and soggy. The fellows were lucky enough to experience a recently cooked crop of fries. Big tick. Only issue is that you must request sauce. Seriously McDonalds, just include the bloddy sauce in the take away bag or tray. You can’t be saving that much money. Speaking of money, at $7.85for a large meal, even the tightest people should be able to scruff up the change to afford this burger.     

The Big Mac is a burger you can rely on. You know what you’re going to get whether you are in Melbourne or Belarus. While this burger won’t have you salivating for more, few can argue about its consistency. A lot like St Kilda utility Jason Blake, a player who has played over 200 games  but has yet to poll a single bronwlow vote. The Big Mac, ultra consistent, but not the burger of your dreams.

Burger Friday Rating: 29/50

Waterside Hotel

Burger reviewed: Wagyu Burger.

Venue: Waterside Hotel

Date: Thursday, 5 April 2012.

Not excited by the prospect of a fillet-o-fish on Good Friday, the Fellows unanimously elected to invoke the operation of clause 37 of the constitution and bring forward our traditional Wagyu burger to Thursday. In doing so, the Fellows ventured off to the corner of King St to the Melbourne landmark that is the Waterside Hotel.  As with any trip to King St, there is a certain expectation of satisfaction and this journey was no different (albeit that the manly table service that we received was not quite what we have come to expect from this former industrial precinct). 

Like the great Scotty Palmer, the Fellows are not ones to hold back on their punches and the Waterside Hotel is certainly not going to win any awards for beauty. It's a venue in which you are more likely to run into Danny Southern or Mark Zanotti than one where you might find Shawn Hampson cuddling up to Megan Gale.  While this might not be the venue to take the lovely lady for an anniversary or valentines day,  let's not forget that this is not Coxy's Big Break and the Fellows are here to judge burgers, and a great burger at that.

A bit sick of the gourmet 'knife and fork' style burgers that we have started to become accustomed to, the Fellows were delighted to get their hands on a uniquely Australian-style burger.  This was a burger that brought back memories of munching on a rustic burger from the local Fish-N-Chip shop while watching Wayne Carey put on a clinic in the early 90s.  

As the photo can attest, the Russian judge is surely going to give it a whack for presentation but who cares when it tastes that good.  Accompanied by crispy bacon, a sunny side down egg, beetroot and the usual salads, this was a hearty burger with all the trimmings and represented exceptional value for money. Although the patty was a tad small,  and the burger had some serious structural issues, this was overlooked because the burger as a whole just worked.  If anything, this burger epitomised synergy - while the sum of its parts may not have been great, as one, it was something to behold.

It would be remiss of me not to mention the quality of the chips.  They were an equally impressive sidekick, which, like Scottie Pippen, probably don't receive as much kudos as they probably deserve given the quality of what surrounds them.  The chips were thick, golden, fluffy and well seasoned, and a welcome break from the standard French Fry which has crept its way onto many burger menus of late.

A number of names were canvassed on our amble back to the office, but this burger is most appropriately likened to 2011 Grand Final captain, Cameron Ling.  It's not pretty but highly effective.  As Ling aged, he became a more robust and rudimentary footballer, who continually got the job done on seemingly more skilful, quicker and arguably better opponents.  However, his persistence to perfect the little things, saw him take many scalps in his prized career - none more so than Brownlow medallist Dane Swan in the 2011 Grand Final. This burger is know different - it does the little things right without the need to be flashy.  

While we may not rush to the Waterside for our next date, don't be surprised if you run into a few of the Fellows indulging in the $12 burger and pot special before wandering over to Etihad stadium.  A great burger and a bargain at this price. 

Burger Friday Rating: 36.25/50